Arms Wide Open

I have told a few people of my experience, but not that many. There was a time in my life that I was in my darkest hour. I felt such complete and utter loss. The darkness filled my entire soul and life for a long time. I searched for small rays of light in my life, and the only way I could see anything was to look upward. I realize that sounds so cliche' but its so very true. While I was going through all of this, I needed counsel. Just someone to talk to that could maybe part some of the darkness and shine more light in my life. There was this one person, a minister but he was just a man that God used to speak to me. This man was dealing with loss in his own life, and struggling with his own health knowing that illness was going to put a time limit to his years. (He knew he was dying, but he was still doing what he was called to do)

This one afternoon during the first part of a new year. I believe it was either the end of January or the beginning of February I had gone to his office. We spoke for awhile about the struggles I was dealing with, and the loss I was feeling so painfully deep in my heart. What was talked about I can't remember. We were there for a couple of hours, but there were two things that has held a long lasting impression on my life.

The first was:

He shared a parable that jesus spoke off. The birds of winter do not reap or sow through out the year. Though God always provides for them, and that we are more important to Him than those birds are. Matthew 6:26
Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?

This was a good story, and it made me think.

WHen we were done talking this man asked if he could pray with me. Praying out loud has always made me feel uncomfortable. I don't ever have flowery words to speak. I'm more of a straight shooter, and if I don't quite get my point across, I will try again. I know my words are good enough, but sharing them with others in prayer is not something I do. I'm more of a pray in the closet type person. He knelt in front of me and clasped my hands. His prayer, I can not remember the words he spoke. I heard some of them, but I don't remember what they were. I just remember the tears that started flowing so freely from my eyes. My heart was so broken and hurting. As I was sitting in a chair, backed into a corner, it felt so metaphoric. My life at the moment was backed into a cold corner. That was when it happened. I could suddenly feel warmth wrapped around me. Before there was a chill in that corner the chair was in, but then I was warm. I felt arms wrapped around me as if GOd was standing behind me, leaning over to hug me. Even now the thought of it brings "chills."

Several hours later, I was feeling that overwhelming emotion of loneliness. I stopped at a fast food place, and was eating my meal alone, wishing that someone was there with me. When out the window I see a baren bush, a bunch of twigs that suddenly was moving. When I look a bit closer I see hundreds of small birds, sparrows I believe. So many of them all over this bush, fluttering about from branch to branch. Then I knew, He was telling me to remember I am never alone.