Political Discord - and fear to voice an opinion

We are almost half way through this 2017 year - and well beyond the first 100 days of Trump being in office.  And I sit silently in fear.

There is so much anger and hatred for this president - and violence.  Marches against him, riots even.  Those actions have created a landscape full of more fear than anything one stupid person has said. 

I did not vote for this President - but I support my country. Even when they make some dumb choices, I am an american.  I was not a fan of Obama what so ever. That had nothing at all to do with the pigment of his skin, but I know so many used that as a reason. "OH, you don't like Obama, then you must be racist." Please - lets present a better argument than that. What I didn't like about Obama is that he created this so called health care bill - and made it mandatory - and not at all affordable.   As a person with a chronic illness, I have to have insurance coverage.  Just insulin alone - for 1 month would be $846 if I had to pay the cash price. Actually it would probably be even more because instead of 3 vials of rapid acting insulin I would need two rapid and two long acting per month.   Did we the people get to vote on this health care bill? No we did not.  And the rules that were implemented as they got the health care act into place has created struggles.  Now more than ever I have to fight for just basic things to sustain my life.  Dealing with insurance is exhausting - and the Affordable care act made it worse - even for someone with just regular group health care. 

No, I am not a fan of  Trump - but I most certainly would not of wanted Mrs. Clinton in office. She would of left the healthcare situation alone and done nothing to get rid of or improve upon "obama care."

But the climate of the nation scares me. When a comedian can work for a news station - and some how think that showing a severed head of our current president is ok, then we are in trouble.  Folks spoke out against Obama but they didn't use the threatening tactics they are using now. Alright, you don't like the current president. You are not alone. Instead of complaining about the generalized stupidity, then do something about it. Do something to improve the situation. 

I am not a political person - I don't verse myself on what capital hill does. I know that most of the figure heads in office are just puppets for those who have deep pockets.  But I too can do something about it the current situation of our country.  

I can agree to disagree with you - and not use that against you. I can still be respectful towards you, all I ask is that you do the same - and we can remain friends.

Thank you,

Mishelle

Reflecting on the pen

Ok, - this is going to be long - So please stick with me:

Last year (September 2015)  I got a 2016 hobonichi - its a dated notebook made with tomoe river paper. (A specialty Japanese paper that works wonderfully well with fountain pens.)   Some how I had the forethought to jot down a reminder for myself that on this date I had gotten my vanishing point back from Pilot Pen USA.  So when I had opened up my notebook I saw this note. The reason I was opening up the page was so that I could make an entry regarding the new 2016 Limited Edition Pilot Vanishing Point I won from Anderson Pens on Fountain Pen day

 Two vanishing point gotcha reminders now.

Quite interesting how things have changed from one year to the next.  There has been a lot of things that has gone on in my life over the last two years. But the last year I think the one consistent thing has been my enjoyment of my fountain pens.  These tools - with sharp pointy bits that can leave marks on the page. Just something about it that I find thoroughly satisfying. Even when words fail me, or when I don't have much to really say at all. I can still find something every day to jot a note about.

 Last year I had gotten this black vanishing point. It was simple - rather plain. Nothing as stunning as the ombre colored 2015 Twilight vanishing point that went from blue into purple.  I jokingly called mine the "Midnight" - and you know what I didn't have to seek out an ink color to match my pen. I could match any color with a black pen.  But this pen was new, and it was nice.  Normally this pen runs for about $175 msrp - and often found around $140 =- which is a bit out of my price range.  The limited edition pen is $240 msrp - and found for $192 - So my matte black "midnight" was a really good price at $72 - which is still more for a pen than most folks would ever spend.

Though you see, I had a problem. For some reaosn I would not allow myself permission to use the nice pretty pen.  I would stick to using my lesser pens.  I've always done that. When Ever I would get more than one of something - i would always use the one I liked the least first - so i could use it up and get it over with. Some how to savor the better version.  Sadly by the time I would use that version, it would no longer be any good, or it would get lost along the way. SO it never was properly enjoyed. Same thing was happening here with this pen.  I actually had regreted getting a pen that I wasn't going to use. I mean I really did like the pen - but it was too nice to take with me anywhere. Too nice to use it too much in fear of wearing it out.  Then what it really came down to the fact I didn't feel I was worthy to use nice things.

This might be very difficult to understand.

That I some how valued myself so little that I shouldn't have gotten something so extravagant. Yes, even something as simple as a pen. I have been laughed at because I enjoy pens. I have always enjoyed them. But I always used the cheapest ones possible.  And even when I would go buy a multi-pack of colored pens, I would use the colors I didn't like first. So Always red, green or pink were used first before blues and ultimately purple.

Though the one thing that I have learned - and really brought the lesson home to my heart, is just how short and precious life truly is.  Why was I waiting so long to enjoy the pretty things?  Why can I not be allowed to have something that gives me a bit of happiness? Even if its in something as simplistic as a PEN.

The pen has been my best friend for years - I write when I'm happy. I write when I'm sad, and I'll even write when I'm angry - (I"m careful what pen I pick for those sessions - I mean I can get a bit harsh with my words and hand gestures, so I want to be careful and use a pen that can handle it)  I have pens when I feel like writing small, pens when i want to be large and brilliant. When I want to write taking my time with the curves of my letters - so when I just want to fling the letters on the page, so get the thoughts figured out. Those thoughts that have been all jumbled up in my brain and some how through my arm and into my hand clarity can be transformed. Then sometimes - not so much - but I don't know until I try.

Learning to enjoy the simple things, encouraged to use the PRETTY things - has made a tremendous difference in me.

Through out this journey - I have had some pretty amazing folks that have crossed my path.  Simply because of a pen.  Trying to explain this to someone who doesn't get it is impossible. To those of you that understand and get it - I feel like I need not say much more.


So with a concluding thought - i give you this.  Thank you - thank you to those who share the love in this community.  Continue to spread that love. Even though the medium happens to be a pen - paper and inky goodness.

Continue to write  - use the pretty things. Enjoy the process.  Maybe this was the writing itch I have always felt the drive for. I thought it would be to maybe write something someone else would read. But maybe its just meant to be my own passion I enjoy. My journal of the self.

Though here, I share with you just some tidbits when the must strikes me.  Today it smacked me pretty hard, and gave me just enough confidence in myself to put the thoughts into words and on screen just for you to read.

 Thank you for reading this. Thank you for being a friend, a part of this community.  Thank you for making me feel welcome.

The End.......

Fall, time for letting go

I'm feeling some what reflective at the moment, so I am sitting down at the computer to write something out that has come to mind.

I saw on my facebook page today an image of falling leaves.  

Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go.

So it got me thinking about some of the things I have let go over the last couple of years.  I have let go of things, lots of things, that just cluttered my space. I didn't open up room for more things, but just new homes for what I already had. 

I reluctantly had to let go of loved ones and family. Saying good bye to them as they are no longer physically with us. Although they are missed, the memories of them come to mind every now and then. They are times when they bring me smiles, sometimes a tear. But It reminds my heart of the love that was there.

I have let go of people in my life. People that did not see me for just who I am. They wanted me to be who they thought I should be. And well, frankly that isn't being honest. I do not like folks that spend their lives living in clouds of lies.  The clarity of letting go, brought forth such peace. So that was a beautiful thing.

We need to let go sometimes so that it makes a path for something new. Sometimes, that growth can take a really long time to manifest itself. To really take hold, root and thrive.  While there are times what comes up is just something for "erosion" control until the truth strength comes forth. 

I love this time of year. Spring does bring forth green, a renewal of life. There also has to be dormant period for that to happen.  Bring on the fall, with the crisp clean air. The crunch of leaves under foot, and warm soft fuzzy sweaters.   This is a time I find my happiness. A time I enjoy.  Hope you can find something beautiful  in your letting go as well.

Mishelle

Busywork - instead of writing

There is busy work that I occupy my time in order to put off any sort of writing. I may not be an author of anything that someone else would actually read.

Even here - I haven't bothered with a blog entry in ages. Looks like the last time I wrote was just after I lost my mom.  Now my father has cancer, and I am not ready to loose him.

So then, what the heck is stopping me. WHY on earth have I had this itch to write? But then I am just panicked with fear that I am not worthy to write.

There are millions of blogs out there. Something more informative and entertaining, what would mine have to offer anyone?

I love journaling, could I make this blog about that?

I have also gotten into fountain pens. I don't have super fancy ones, but I do have some that I really love. And for someone who has never used a fountain pen, they probably would look at me like I'm a little off my rocker.  (It's not the most comfortable rocker, so I don't use it much, lol.)

I keep thinking that if I create something, I might have something to offer. How can I offer anything, if I don't step it up and just do it.

I pep talk myself, quite a few times. I mean, if you have read this blog you know how much I have really struggled with this.

I have one book I have written, and have given it to a couple of friends to read. But their lives are so busy that I don't think that they have ever had the time to take a look.

So I put my bits and pieces of myself here, so that folks can see my style of writing. It's simplistic, hopefully makes sense.  But I even discount my blog saying that I am so boring that its only good for putting folks to sleep - an insomnia cure.

What shall I do next?    Maybe I will work on just putting more up there.

So will see.  I have thought about this before - and the idea just usually stops right there.

Processing the Grief

Everyone deals with death on their own terms. Mine seems to not typically follow the path that many go through.  When someone dies, that is that. They moved on and as a believer I believe they moved on to something better than what was here. I do not see significance in having wailers spending an hour or two to share in the tears and snot. 

Allow me to grieve after they are gone. We can share memories at another time when the tender hearts are not as raw and full of emotions. So basically I don't want to attend a funeral or a memorial service for someone. Using the argument that this is for those who are left behind, doesn't quite fit for me as well.  I will go out of family obligation, and also to show social support for those who are behind.  But I certainly don't like it. I feel like I am left waiting until that day finally arrives, with the anxiety and anticipation. Only after holding on to these emotions am I able to finally just let them go. I can move on in my grieving process - and progress onto the next stage. But the ceremony does not bring a step for me. The ritual of it brings even more grief. 

No, I realize many folks do not think the same way that I do.  That having a service allows the rest of the community to share their sadness and say good bye to someone that was a part of their lives.  Although seeing both sides of the situation does not hinder my stance. Realizing that some folks find it theraputic, and helpful, this is not what I am trying to belittle or rebuke. All I am saying that this is a problem that I have. 

Now I am in this middle of this process, and I feel that I am not able to go through and deal with what ever it is I feel that I need to deal with. Right now being in the middle of someone passing and their service the emotions that I have conflict. There are some reasons that I have this, for which this isn't the time or place for such words. While I await the events that are to unfold, I feel stagnant  - stuck in this limbo. Not really sure just how to deal with it all. 

So here I am writing - some how to figure out my process. Somewhere I can say just what I'm thinking and not be viewed as wrong some how.  

Words that have always stuck to me - "Well, what if others thought the way you do?" 

Folks - do not think like me. Think for yourself. That is what we are put here to do. To use our minds and think.

If you need the fellowship of others to share in the sadness during your grief, then go for that. However if you need to be on your own, and you can maneuver as way to do so, then by all means to do.  Sometimes we have to do things we don't like. This is certainly an aspect of life none of us like.

Story to tell

"Don't forget - no one else sees the world the way you do, so no one else can tell the stories you can tell." Charles de Lint

I was looking up some writing quotes and this one came up. Then it really got me thinking. Writing has always been something I have desired. More than anything I have ever wanted in my life. I don't know if I ever wanted something more. But here is my thing - I don't have a story. I don't live in a land of make-believe. Putting a world on the page has not been a skill set I have ever really managed. Then I get that meanie in my head that constantly tells me, "What's the point?" You are wasting y our time. No one gives a crap what you have to say. That meanie isn't very nice.

Instead of shutting her out, I listen and give in. Once in awhile I can fly under the radar and I manage to spew something that resembles a blog post. But I have do to it fast. Before that editor - self doubt - gets in my way and nothing is said. 

So if you ever come across this blog, you will find errors. English was not my major in college - so grammar and spelling will be lacking. Although I do try to be coherent, that could be questionable at times as well. 

My thoughts are not overly processed. I have them when they come, and I have to release the flood gates and allow them to flow. Or they will never happen. I blog how I journal. Granted I journal far more often than I blog. The evidence is seen here by how often I post.

So - then - what is my story - that only I can tell? I think this is either buried so deep I may never find it, or just maybe I am a fool and one does not exist for me. if that is the case, then why do I have this overwhelming passion to write? 

What do I have to say that hasn't been already said?

I am a voice among millions. There are better writers out there, and far more blogs with better content than I can produce. This is blog has been my avenue to vehicle myself out there. But I don't know how well that is going. This blog has always been one scary ride for me.

I am already sensing this is yet another post of whining.

What is blocking me from doing this? Do I just need to give this up? Hang my hair - allow it to gather dust. Frankly - that seems to be the case at this point. I suppose I sought out some sort of confirmation or recognition that this is a worth while pursuit. But that's not a valid enough reason. I should just do this for me. My own feelings of accomplishment should be fulfilling enough. I guess I lack that as well.

So, where is my story? Should I continue to seek it out, or finally get off the pot - and flush.

To the page

One thing I like about journaling is the fact I can reflect on the moments in life I have made it through. Cherish the happy memories. And even figure things out. Today is a day that just deserves to be put to the page. There is something about pen to page that just works for me.

Ending 2015 with Reflection

What have you done with your 2015?

 I started off my year with one thing in mind. I sought out a way to improve my handwriting. I have never really been impressed with the lack of consistency with my writing.  Sounds so basic, and simplistic to try something like this. But You see, writing is my mind. I function better with the thoughts on the page than they are all jumbled up in my head.

This process started me on a path into finding the joy of writing with a fountain pen. Those who don't know about fountain pens, or have a general love for the instrument of the written word might not quite be able to grasp what it can mean to someone like me. But there are some folks who get it.  And through the magic of the internet I have found a few of "My People." We write the songs of our hearts and thoughts.  (*USE ALL THE PRETTY THINGS - this is an issue I struggle with. I will use the things I like least before I use the nice stuff. But this year I have learned I need to enjoy what life has - each and every day)

I am not quite sure if I accomplished my goal of improving my hand writing. But that's alright, I have 2016 to continue to work through that process.  The next thing that I have done during 2015 was introduce more creativity into my life. What else can you do with fountain pens? There is journal writing, and letter writing to my grandma. But another expression would also be doing some drawing. Now that is going beyond my comfort zone.  Showing my written attempts were scary enough to post on Instagram, but then to move into publicly sharing artwork done by me, just about had me abandon the account.  I had my Instagram for 4 plus years and really never used it. So it was a very good chance that this account was going to be made dormant again. 

With the encouragement of a good friend (You know who you are my zen tangler ;) ) I started giving it a try, and just so happened to be an art challenge called Index card a day. (#icad)  For 60 days - I did 30 - its a drawing on an index card each day. Some times I did sayings, some were art related. A few surprising good ones, quite a few not suitable for saving. But I posted them anyway. I stepped out of my box that was protected by fear and put forth my creative attempts. 

Through my journey that began simply enough has given me experiences that I grateful for. I have gotten to know folks that are into pens just like me. That they have been generous with her time to answer questions. To maybe even hold my hand a bit when I was sinking backwards into fear mode. A few were also the swift kicks in the tush to go forth and try. To accept my efforts as my own, and work on my style. I laugh at that comment, because I am not a creature of style, more like one of comfort. But there are times you have to step out of that comfort zone. 

Even stepping out of my box, I have done some periscopes. I added a few more entries to my blog this year. Not as many as I should or would of liked. But maybe I will do more for next year. Though what more can I say about the pen stuff I am into that hasn't been done by someone else that knows more of what they are talking about. Then again I remind myself that I was once new, and I should share the 'new' things I have encountered.  

So, I am thinking that I am quite looking forward to the next year. I have my tools surrounding me now, in my space that will allow me to create. I believe I will continue to venture forth. Use what I have in me to be more creative in 2016. My one hope is that by sharing my attempts someone else out there, that is afraid of their "abilities," to go ahead and give it a try. Might find that seed grow into something of Joy.  That was true for me this last year. Had no clue that googling "How to improve my handwriting?" would have brought me to the place that I'm today. 

So, for those who have crossed my path this year. I welcome you into the next year. And I wish you a year of expanding your creative side, and seeking out your joy.


-Mishelle

NaNoWriMo Once again

Can you tell I am avoiding the actual nanowrimo writing? I mean I am sitting here thinking about blogging instead of writing something for nanowrimo. I am really bad. This year the self doubt is keeping the keyboard, and pen from my fingers. I really wonder why I feel like I should do some writing. Obviously, no one is ever going to read anything that I write. But then why write? I have always been driven to do so. But not very successful is fighting that inner demon critic.

Why do this, not like you are going to make money on it?

Shouldn't you be doing something more productive with your time?

- - Isn't there housework or cleaning you can do instead?

How can I justify spending time at a computer or with a notebook and allowing al the other things I am supposed to take care of just for some foolish venture into writing something.

Oh, the idea of 50,000 works is way too much for me. And normally when I sat down to the computer, or iPad i would end up surfing around the internet with out actually getting any sort of writing done. Now I can fly on a keyboard when I set my mind to it. When I am really in the zone, I just look off into the distance and allow my fingers to ust do their thing. They pound out my words onto the screen and create a visualization of my thoughts. I love it when that actually happens. But to get into that space i have to set aside all other distractions. And I will tell you what, that isn't easy for me.  Plus then lets add into that negative self talk that I mentioned above and I am doomed.

So my plans for this year is to write it. I have new lovey fountain pens, and I have a stash (hoard) of pocket moleskine cahier notebooks. I want to fill at least 1 with my words for the month. That is a goal of two pages a day. Yes, I realize that shorts myself down to  20% of most folks on nanowrimo. I calculated that I should amass about 9500 words with one notebook. I have about 57 words for 9 lines, and there are 22 lines per page (24 if I use the top and bottom "half" lines) So that gives me 9475.67 words as a guess. Now I do not have to stop at one notebook, but it is my start and anything beyond that is going to be sheer bonus.

Now to battle those inner negative thoughts, and actually start to figure out jsut what to write. NOt sure what story I have in me this time, but I have 60 words started for this morning, and its only November 1 - time for coffee.

Do you One Book or Many at a time?

Today I have been having thoughts. And suddenly I remembered that I have a blog for such random ideas to be shared with others. Well, I will not go into the fact that it has certainly been awhile since I last did some writing. I actually have a couple of ideas jotted down that I wanted to flesh out, so you might get a couple of entries all of a sudden when the pages has been so dusty with abandon for awhile. (alright, ever - but just going to glance over that idea)

When it has come to my journaling process I have always had just one book going at a time. My mind can not handle the idea of more than one book at a time. But I have realized that I fill my daily journal with just random junk that has no purpose there. This really became more apparent when I found myself just rambling on and on about pens. Though, they are not just your regular ball point pens, my game has been upped to fountain pens, it is still writing my thoughts about my pens. This might not be material anyone else would be interested, though my journals are not for anyone else but me.

Why do I journal? I think that for me, journaling is a way of processing. I think about situations that are troubling me. Some times I have positive things to write about, and most of the time I write when my mind and or heart is troubled. You know, that personal stuff that just doesn't quite make sense, and you are trying to figure out what's going on in the noodle. This might just be me, so I don't know. But that is one of the reasons why I journal.

This year I learned about art, journal planner book called a fauxbonichi. Actually heard about the make your own version before I learned about the real one called hobonichi.  I decided that I wanted to have more creativity in my life. I am not a planner, so having a paper schedule is not something I was seeking, and I am certainly not an artist. Not an artist by any means of any stretch of the imagination. But allowing myself to be, feel, and do more creative things I found pleasing. Picking up a notebook, the one that folks seem to use the most for their DIY hobonichi notebooks is the MiquelRuis grid lined notebook. Not a grid line person, but I do prefer the lines over blank pages. There is something about a blank page that I find daunting. 

Although I am a self professed non-artist type person, this journal has been an interesting way for me to be expressive, play and be creative. I post some of my work online. Very hesitantly mind you, but my thoughts are this: Not everyone can be perfect. We all have areas we can be more creative. And maybe my simplistic attempts might help encourage one other person to explore more ways to be creative. 

Then to save my daily journal notebook, which I have been using a slightly better quality paper. My fountain pens deserve the experience, am I right?  They don't get to write in calligraphy, Spencerian or Copperplate, so I try to treat them nicely with good cleanings, colorful inks, and moderately priced paper. (Some nicer than others, but it can't all be good because I have lots of other papers that need to get utilized as well.) But this can be a common place for this, and for that. I can talk about my nib just not working as well as I like. Or this ink is doing some funky dance here. Or wow, there is sparkles and sheen. Oh, My. I have a notebook for the randomness of thoughts that can flood my mind. This is probably more like a brain dump journal.  Not something I need to hold on to, and when ever the time feels right, it shall be tossed.

Then this brings me to yet another journal.  Yes, really I have another one. This one, I have yet to find its true purpose in my life. Or just how I want to use it. This happens to be my own version of a midori traveler's notebook, hence its a fauxdori. I have inside a calendar notebook by Ray Blake's my life in one place, its in a field notes size. This has a one month view, then two page weekly view, then lots of pages for lists. Bullet journaling, lister's gotta list. What is that thing I want to look up online later?  Why isn't this pen working, scratch, scribble and dribble the ink pages. Then I have a random jot notebook. When I contemplate a journaling idea. Or maybe even a blog note. (Aren't you glad having read this far that I had a blog idea?) Then another notebook for journaling. Straight thought processing journaling. However, this can not replace my daily journal. (Or what ever day I decided to journal and process the noodle) I'm not sure just what I want this notebook to be. It has some thoughts that I had to write down when a moment struck me. But this is a small space to do any other type of journaling, certainly not for art journaling. Bullet journaling goes in the Ray Blake field notes monthly plan pack. (Please go to his website, I wasn't sure if the links would chance if I included it here, but he is very easy to find and most planner folks have already heard of him. What a kindness this man has done sharing his hard work and time for free for folks!! Showing everyone how to make their own notebooks, and inserts, and folders) 

So, do you journal? Have you thought about an art journal? Do you just do the written word? Are you a planner person? 

Just my thought as I am figuring out just what I want from all these creative avenues. 

-Mishelle