Processing the Grief

Everyone deals with death on their own terms. Mine seems to not typically follow the path that many go through.  When someone dies, that is that. They moved on and as a believer I believe they moved on to something better than what was here. I do not see significance in having wailers spending an hour or two to share in the tears and snot. 

Allow me to grieve after they are gone. We can share memories at another time when the tender hearts are not as raw and full of emotions. So basically I don't want to attend a funeral or a memorial service for someone. Using the argument that this is for those who are left behind, doesn't quite fit for me as well.  I will go out of family obligation, and also to show social support for those who are behind.  But I certainly don't like it. I feel like I am left waiting until that day finally arrives, with the anxiety and anticipation. Only after holding on to these emotions am I able to finally just let them go. I can move on in my grieving process - and progress onto the next stage. But the ceremony does not bring a step for me. The ritual of it brings even more grief. 

No, I realize many folks do not think the same way that I do.  That having a service allows the rest of the community to share their sadness and say good bye to someone that was a part of their lives.  Although seeing both sides of the situation does not hinder my stance. Realizing that some folks find it theraputic, and helpful, this is not what I am trying to belittle or rebuke. All I am saying that this is a problem that I have. 

Now I am in this middle of this process, and I feel that I am not able to go through and deal with what ever it is I feel that I need to deal with. Right now being in the middle of someone passing and their service the emotions that I have conflict. There are some reasons that I have this, for which this isn't the time or place for such words. While I await the events that are to unfold, I feel stagnant  - stuck in this limbo. Not really sure just how to deal with it all. 

So here I am writing - some how to figure out my process. Somewhere I can say just what I'm thinking and not be viewed as wrong some how.  

Words that have always stuck to me - "Well, what if others thought the way you do?" 

Folks - do not think like me. Think for yourself. That is what we are put here to do. To use our minds and think.

If you need the fellowship of others to share in the sadness during your grief, then go for that. However if you need to be on your own, and you can maneuver as way to do so, then by all means to do.  Sometimes we have to do things we don't like. This is certainly an aspect of life none of us like.

Story to tell

"Don't forget - no one else sees the world the way you do, so no one else can tell the stories you can tell." Charles de Lint

I was looking up some writing quotes and this one came up. Then it really got me thinking. Writing has always been something I have desired. More than anything I have ever wanted in my life. I don't know if I ever wanted something more. But here is my thing - I don't have a story. I don't live in a land of make-believe. Putting a world on the page has not been a skill set I have ever really managed. Then I get that meanie in my head that constantly tells me, "What's the point?" You are wasting y our time. No one gives a crap what you have to say. That meanie isn't very nice.

Instead of shutting her out, I listen and give in. Once in awhile I can fly under the radar and I manage to spew something that resembles a blog post. But I have do to it fast. Before that editor - self doubt - gets in my way and nothing is said. 

So if you ever come across this blog, you will find errors. English was not my major in college - so grammar and spelling will be lacking. Although I do try to be coherent, that could be questionable at times as well. 

My thoughts are not overly processed. I have them when they come, and I have to release the flood gates and allow them to flow. Or they will never happen. I blog how I journal. Granted I journal far more often than I blog. The evidence is seen here by how often I post.

So - then - what is my story - that only I can tell? I think this is either buried so deep I may never find it, or just maybe I am a fool and one does not exist for me. if that is the case, then why do I have this overwhelming passion to write? 

What do I have to say that hasn't been already said?

I am a voice among millions. There are better writers out there, and far more blogs with better content than I can produce. This is blog has been my avenue to vehicle myself out there. But I don't know how well that is going. This blog has always been one scary ride for me.

I am already sensing this is yet another post of whining.

What is blocking me from doing this? Do I just need to give this up? Hang my hair - allow it to gather dust. Frankly - that seems to be the case at this point. I suppose I sought out some sort of confirmation or recognition that this is a worth while pursuit. But that's not a valid enough reason. I should just do this for me. My own feelings of accomplishment should be fulfilling enough. I guess I lack that as well.

So, where is my story? Should I continue to seek it out, or finally get off the pot - and flush.