Christmas spirit

All during the Christmas season I had. A difficult time getting into the Christmas spirit. I did not feel the joy of the financial obligation to buy things. I thought about making things, but then thwarted we the idea that no one would enjoy my culinary skills. Just really left me feeling quite lost among all the holiday cheer that was around me.  Then I got sick before Christmas came around. That was really a struggle because I felt guilty that I was depriving my loved ones joy of receiving something from me. Especially didn't want to create a depressing mood for my child. This should be a time of fun and joy for children, and I did not want to deprive anyone that. There was just no way that I could do any shopping. Hubby stepped up and had wonderful gift ideas, and he played Santa this year by doing all the shopping. I did pitch in with a few amazon.com finds that topped off the holiday haul.

Christmas music bugged me all month long. I wanted to listen to Christian music but not Christmas music. That was hard to fin d on the radio in my car. I did find a station to listen town when I was feeling well, which was before I got so sick. That helped my mood some, but when they would throwin. A song here and revere I would just turn off the radio. I spend a great deal of time in my car, so it is nice Otha ve something to listen to.

Christmas Eve came and all was quiet in my house.  All were sleeping so early that night, including all the creatures.  I thought to see if the church we enjoy was broadcasting their eve service online. That was as if a moment I was being spoken to, and onto the computer I went. Sure enough the 7pm service was streaming and I sat down to watch it. All the lights were down low, and the tree was light up so colorful. (As a child I would lay under our tree, at night, and just look up at the lights) the songs came on, and it touched me. Tears were streaming down my face. In fact they were burning my eyes. To think about the manger, and that precious babe laid to slumber on that night. That right there is the reason for the season. I have known and felt that all along. But I think that it depresses me that all that meaning and love is lost on how much money I have to spend on others. It should not be about gifts I can get. Alright I know some thing it's about the joy of just giving to others and how that makest hem happy should make me happy. But where are the meaningful and thoughtful things that really do that and still keep focus on Him? I feel like I am bombarded by commercialism and commerce that it's the joy of $$$ not the birth of our savior.  

But that Christmas Eve service did my soul good, I was blessed and touched and filled  with memories  and reminders of where my focus should lay. Right there upon the king sized bed, where a babe rested that would become the one that saves us all.

The spirit of unforgiveness

This can be quite toxic and poison your soul.  Also if you refuse to forgive, you can never be forgiven. Really do you want to risk that?

Years ago I was faced with this. I felt that I needed to keep score and just have it all out when I felt that someone had done me wrong. Let that person know just how much they were wrong.  There were really so many things, that each standing on their own merit really didn't have much ground. However I allowed them to take root in my heart and they grew. They were an evil weed that was multiplying with every hurt and grievance. 

Eventually I started to feel troubled at heart. That I needed to seek a better understanding. So I sought the bible for this. And I read that we are commanded to forgive. Not just forgive another one time, but to do so 70x7, which means over and over. They do something, you don't hold on to an IOU, or keep a ledger. You forgive them. You don't do this for their benefit, most of the time the benefit is for you. Unforgiveness opens up your heart for the weeds to grow, those weeds include resentment, hurt, and anger. Do not wait for them to come to you to ask, or even beg for you to forgive them of their trespasses. For they might never approach you, or even see that they did anything to be in the 'wronged' column. 

I do realize that there are events in our lives that can be so completely unforgettable, and that the thought of forgiveness seems impossible. My life has been riddled with a few of these. I could wish for a magic time machine to go back and undo these things. But then I would not be the person  I am today. I would not have strength to allow my faith to show me truth.  These trials have been a blessing of sorts in my life. They allowed me to truly see the blessings poured upon my life. For this I am grateful. But I too need reminders. 

When I feel the sting of past hurts stabbing at my heart, I again become reminded to allow my faith to take over and forgive. Admittedly there are times when I do struggle, but with this practice I can honestly say that my heart has peace. And to have peace of heart is golden. A cherished treasure that is redeemable. Both here on earth as a sinner, but also will be so in heaven when we come before our Heavenly Father. 

Reading an article on writing your first book

You have to somehow know that you are capable of enormous idiocies and mistakes and yet not lose your self-confidence in what you’re doing. It’s a difficult line to walk because I know that writer’s block comes almost always from self-doubt.   -Dean Koontz

http://www.buzzfeed.com/sandraeallen/how-to-write-your-first-book

There was an article posted about how to write your first book. Many published authors give their advice.  A few of the authors I have heard of before, several of them I have not.

But when I stumbled upon this line towards the end of the article, it struck a cord with me. 

..............Writers block comes almost always from self doubt. 

Ouch, right!?

So you have to have patience and endurance to over come this. Hey, that's what. I'm thinking it's going to take. 

What helped you get through, despite the obstacles you encountered?

Kiese Laymon: The honest answer is corny and shit. I teach at Vassar. My students got me through. As much as I wallowed in my book not getting published, I couldn’t wallow in it for every second of the day because I had other young people’s writerly lives to tend to. Those relationships with my students and my students’ works pulled me out. And you know music. It was real emo. I’d be like, Somebody’s going to read this book when I’m dead. I’m going to have to die for people to read these books, but at least they’ll read them then.

That's what I thought, that no one will ever read anything I've written until I am gone.  Guess I shouldn't worry about who might read my work. But if I don't do it to start with, then there's  is nothing ever read.  Now there is a thought. Guess I should pick up on things i have started, or start the things that keep popping up in my mind.

Diabetes awareness

November is national diabetes awareness month. I figure by now most folks knows about diabetes. You know that fat person disease lazy people get from eating too much sugar. Come on, that's your first thought when you think of diabetes. I'm here to tell you that it's not mine.

I'm diabetic, and have been since I was 10 years old. I didn't have the excessive thirst that many get when diagnosed. I was just really sick the week before, and feeling really weak. I had missed school, and my mother threatened to take me to the doctor if i didn't go to school the following Monday, April 1st. Have to say at that point I didn't care, told her to take me to the doctor. A test here, a test there and sent home. By that evening we get a call from the hospital wondering why I wasn't there yet?  Say what?! Guess they said I had diabetes, and the family just figured it was going to be like type 2 with diet and pills. Nope, it was the nasty ole Type 1. Off to the hospital I got to go for a week long stay. It was so boring there. I begged for my homework from school so I could at least have something to do.  

That was over 28 years ago and well I'm still dealing with this disease. I have to say, its not as easy as just take insulin and watch what you eat. Golly, gee so many things factor into EVERYTHING I do regarding this disease. Stress, illness, activity, food, dehydration, sleep.  Normal stuff everyone deals with. But these things can swing the blood sugar pendulum all over the place. Wildy all over the place. There are times when there are just no reason what so ever that it happens. So I deal with it. Constantly looking at that little judgy meter that measures just how good of a person I had been today. Was I bad? The meter will always tell.  Stupid thing can be helpful or rather quite annoying. 

So now after all this time, little things are popping up. Like the blood vessels in my eyes are starting to show signs. They look pretty good for as long as I have been diabetic, but they are concerning. Kidneys are functioning but the wear and tear has been going on for awhile. They are functioning but compromised some what. Think it is about time to have the kidneys tested again.  But now I also have nerve issues. Not sure if that is exactly what it is, but i can get extremely achy on days when the weather changes quite abruptly. Haven't had that issue before, but the last year it has been getting worse. I also live in a climate that the weather can change every 15 minutes. So that really is quite helpful.   Plus there is also all the fatigue issues. The sugars swinging, which they do like young monkeys on a jungle gym.  Getting old and wearing out.  How much longer will I have?

Until the lord calls me home, or there is a cure. I think I will hear the calling long before a cure ever comes available.  Diabetes is a billion dollar industry, actually billions of dollars. But maybe, just maybe there is a chance that I will be free of the needles, finger sticks, glucose and tubing (insulin pump). Maybe.. but I think folks need to be more aware of what diabetes really means.  It means to constantly have your life in the control of your hands. Constantly reminded of the fact that you have this inside of you that is slowly hurting you. So slowly that you don't know it over night. It's the moss that takes years to grow up your leg, into your heart and down to the tips of your fingers.

Duck dynasty - I am second - the Robertsons

This can be a moving film. For those struggling. There is love when you include God. 

http://www.iamsecond.com/seconds/the-robertsons/

Wish my app woud show a preview of this video. 

Write for yourself not just for what others think

Do not write for the approval of others but for the enjoyment of the art. 

Just a thought I had this afternoon after I had randomly blogger earlier. I worry that others won't like my words but I know I blog with the idea, in the back of my mind, that no one reads this. 

I get started so many times on words then I get distracted. What's up on Facebook? Even if I just looked there a few minutes ago. My attention span is quite short. 

Though I know many times we are writing for an audience.  To convey some sort of message be it only 140 characters to 50,000 and up. 

Write More

I suppose that I have given up on writing for November's nanowrimo. Though I can still attempt to get some writing in. So that's what I have been trying to do. I have been writing more. Hence you might have seen me ramble on about my iPod adventures. I know its not something a person would want to read. Though I thought that maybe someone would be googling issues they were having and stumbled upon my crazy time.

Thoughts have been shared in my personal journal as well. Though again not as much as i would want to. I even have spent a little more time writing a couple letters to my grandmother. I figure any words that I have used to get them out with was a good use of my writing skills. (or the lack there of depending on your point of view)

My own insecurities always get the better of me, and I beat myself up about it. Hence another hurdle I have to get over.  Why, oh why do I do this to myself??


Don't know? Yeah me neither but sure would like to have an answer.

Crash report

Again the dumb thing crashed. So went back in. Third time is a charm for it got replaced. Had to update the iOS from 7 to 7. Took my PC in to make sure all the music was sync d just like it should with out a hassle. 

Afternoon update. CRASHED/rebooted again. Seriously, a brand new one. 

The irony?!! There was an iOS update to 7.0.4 this evening. 

So far on this reset, and battery charge -no crashes. I really don't want to mess with anymore updates or resets for awhile. 

Spoke too soon, I have my iPad to update. 

iPod weirdness update

Has worked fine for two days. Battery has been lasting. And shows the usage and stand by time. (Even after shut off for over night) But then it reached 20% battery remaining. That's when it crashed again. Battery usage is reset to dashes again!!!  And after all these resets my account is flagged with Apple as having had too many ids associated with this iPod so I can not have automatic updates or log in as another id for 90 days.  I was going to leave it alone. I can do my own updates. But now that it's crashed I'm going back to the Genius Bar. 

iPod weirdness, crashing /resetting iOS 7 on its own

Adventures in iPod craziness!  Giving some background to what was going on before issues started. Then the steps taken so hopefully issue sue has been resolved? It's still questionable at this point.

Alright I am not a fan of the new operating system that is on my iPod touch 5th generation.

Allow me to share with you the list of symptoms that I have been experiencing over the last couple of weeks. Not exactly order in which they appeared to me, but this is from memory.

I have a large collection of music. At least for me. It was quite large, and really there are so many songs that I have spent way too long listening too that no longer suit my particular tastes. So I had been going through the alphabet list of songs since this last spring. Those I live with do not share my particular tastes in music, so my music is really just for me. But 1500 some odd songs were a bit much. Not all of them purchased digitally. Many are still on their original cd disks. Yes, I do still have CDs. They are dust collectors now that I have them in digital format. Remember the days when you could go to a used record store, they even sold used CDs. I know, such a great long time ago!

So I would delete the song off my iPod I no longer wanted, then added the name to a list in my notes so that I could go onto the laptop and remove the song from the library all together. This method has been working fine, up until the last iOS update 7.0.3 . That was when things started happening, and I had made it to the W's. Some reason every time I paused the song and came back to play my music my iPod would reset back a dozen songs. I do not play my music every day all the time. So there might be days or weeks that go by before I'm playing my music again, so this repeating behavior was not as noticeable.

When I would go to the song list and scroll all the way to the bottom it would tell me I had 957 songs. But when I hit 'playing now' it would say 957 of 968. These numbers changed, but they never matched up. The playing now showed more songs on my iPod than the song list showed. 

Then randomly I started noticing that my iPod would be displaying the apple sign as it sat there on the counter or coffee table. Just in standby but It had just crashed and and or rebooted. (Not sure what apple calls it. To me tut was a crash and reboot, but I'm mostly a PC gal)  This happened often enough I was catching it several times a day.

At this point I had done a reset all settings. Not a complete reset that erased all content.

This did not solve the issue. It was the only solution offered online when I was googling the crashing and resetting itself.

Next thing I happened to notice was under my settings and battery usage since last full charge, was dash marks for both stand by and on time. Was this a symptom or just a coincidence?

The final straw was when I would go to my music and tap on Zombies by the cranberries, Tina Turner would start singing, 'What's love go to do with it?' I would view the play now screen, then go back to the song list. I would scroll up the dozen or so songs, and see the red line indicators that music was playing from that track. I would tap on that song, and it would again take me to the playing now jumping back up the alphabet another ten songs or so.

Thought about doing a complete factory reset, but that was when I noticed my diagnostic log was extremely long. If I did a restore it would delete all that information and apple might need to know it if something was going on with the hardware. Since I am with in a few weeks of my 1 year mark, it was off to the apple store.

Apple connected my iPod wirelessly to their diagnostic software, and found that was no issues with the hardware. Everything was testing just fine. Really? Um what about the battery? Oh, for some reason we don't know why it's not showing up on our system. Him, imagine that!?

So let's do a factory restore, what we will do is a little deeper than just a normal restore. It's possible the software is not talking to the firmware of the hardware. The components have their own software, and with this iOS update already up to 3, I could see where something could be messed up. 

Apple guy did the reset, but then I said how am I supposed to test it with out my music and apps. Duh?! So did another reset, but this time from iCloud back Up.  The cloud doesn't have all my music, I think I have about 150 songs on iTunes cloud.

Started the new reset, but was taking so long so took it home to finish.  Had no problem what so ever putting my music back on. I synced exactly 933 songs. While going through this process I bought one more song. 'Bezerk' by Eminem. Did a sync, but didn't show up on my song list. Went to iTunes on the desktop and looked at what was on my iPod and it was listed there but greyed out. Then I'm scrolling through some more songs and many of them are grey, there are someone listed a couple of times, greyed and blackened duplications, some with a grey circle, or a grey ! 

Could these grey songs be the ghosts of the songs list vs playing now list?

Hours of working on it I gave up and just went to iTunes on my iPod and downloaded the song and listened to it a few times before I was really about to go bezerk on this iPod.  A day later, the darn thing crashed and reset itself yet again.   Ughhhhh!!!!

Frustrated, I set up an appointment at the apple store yet again.  This time the gal thinks it's my back up that is corrupted. Great.  Yes I have everything syncd on my computer, go ahead and reset it. 

Btw: syncd to the computer does not create a back up on the computer unless you mark back up to computer. If you back up to iCloud that's where everything will be. Including the 357 pictures I have taken over the last three years. In one of the updates to iTunes, and unknown to me, my computer no longer was backing up on my pictures to the computer.  There is a setting you can sync your pictures to a folder on the computer when you sync your device.  However, so onto the case here, They were gone!

Oh but wait?!  My iCloud storage states there is still 2.5gb of data.  Will a back up get them? Nope, didn't restore the pictures, but also didn't delete them -whew!

Great what do I do?  I got it, do a restore from back up, get back all the pictures. Copy them from the iPod to my computer and then do another erase and restore.  And yes again for the umpteenth time reset all my accounts!

Part of my plan worked. All the pictures downloaded to the iPod but my computer was only being allowed to view from May of this year and back two years.  Nothing since may. So I started sending my pictures to myself via iMessage to my iPad. Can not do the air drop to an iPad 2. It does have iOS 7 but not the air drop feature.  There wasn't many pictures, but alas the iPod crashed again. After restarting, all my pictures were back and viewable on the computer so I copied them off the iPod to the computer. And then yet another reset! I lost count how many times now.

Got all my apps back. 310 pictures, copied back to the iPod. The videos followed later to total 357. Those videos sure use up a ton of space, need to think those over.

Clicked sync music from selected tracks.  (0) songs selected! What!!? Over and over it would not sync my music. Are you flipping kidding me?! My selected 934 songs, including the 1 new purchase won't sync.  After trying so many variations I finally got it to sync 'all music from selected tracks.' Huh!? All music is now 968 songs.

So my pictures are removed from my iPod and at least safely backed up. I have 968 songs showing up on my iPod in both songs and on  the 'playing now' screen.  When I view my iPod content thru iTunes, it says I have 968 songs and none are greyed out, with ! Or (0) next to them. 

So my guess is that some how my music got corrupted on my iPod library. Hopefully my library on the computer isn't messed up. (There needs to be an mp3 library fixer app.)

And battery usage since last charge 47 minutes 3 hours and 3 minutes on standby time.

I still have a few weeks to test this out completely while I still have  my one year warranty. I wrote this lengthy blog in case someone googles ipod weirdness they can have some further insight that isn't found on apple.com

James 2:1-13

We were listening to James chapter 2:1-13

James 2:8-10

If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you do well; but if you show partiality, you commit sin, and are convicted by the law as transgressors. For whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is guilty of all.

This verse really struck me to heart. I have read it before but I have a different look at it now. We need to learn to not be so judgmental, but we need to have more mercy for others just as Jesus has for us.

With out the law we would not know our need for Jesus.  We will be judged by how we loved. That is how we will account for our lives before God. He is gracious enough to save us, and to also show us how to love.

Are you aware of the mercy that you received? Stop seeing people the way society portrays them, but how God wants us to see all who are created by Him. The person we look down upon, remember Jesus died for them just he died for all us.

Trials

This weekend I was listening to the sermon online. The reference was from the book of James chapter 1 verses one through eight he said that these eight verses can be marked by our tears through our trials. That through our pain God can build our character.

Trials can be very difficult and we can struggle greatly through them but the thing of it is is that through these challenges we can have growth. Not all the time will that occur but in time when you leave to God to work, we will grow. That is such a difficult concept to think about how to have growth your pain. I suppose that gives new meaning no pain no gain but do really ever want to deal with having pain in our lives? There are times in my life when I have dealt with pain both physical and emotional and I certainly haven't liked it. Definitely never looked forward to it even though I know that it's for my own good in some places. So many times though it makes the struggle even harder when we don't have answers. Why is this happening to me? I don't always know. That makes it all the more difficult to have no answers. The thing that I have to remind myself is this, God has the answers. He doesn't always give them to us and the time that we want. But his timing is always perfect and we just have to have faith and trust in that. I am not saying that this is an easy task. Sometimes we can wait years and years to have answers to questions that we have maybe even forgotten that we had asked in the first place. But that's just it we have to do is ask. If we do not ask then we will never learn and grow in our knowledge. I think that's why were here on earth sometimes, it so that we can learn certain things. If not well again that is an answer to a question I don't have, wait, you know what I mean.

Right now I see loved ones struggling with uncertainties in their life. Dealing with deep emotions that are rocking the very foundations. But to build a strong building you must always have a cornerstone and in our life our cornerstone is to be Jesus. When you have a young faith that is something that is difficult to hold onto. But I was reminded myself that faith the very size of a mustard seed can move mountains. That is so small and that is all He has asked of us to have just that much faith. He could demand us to have so much more but he doesn't. Just the size of a mustard seed is all that he asks and great changes can happen. Scripture says it will move mountains and sometimes I think we are own mountains that stand in the way of ourselves. And those mountains can be very large, but He can move them no matter the size. Never experiencing this the concept can feel so foreign. I am thankful for those trials I have had, because it showed me just what he can do and has done in my life. I pray that he can show you as well.

iOS 7

My opinion , not that it really matters. But I'm not a big fan of this new color scheme. It's like day light brightness and it hurts my eyes. Also the thin light blue lines in safari are quite difficult to see if your visually impaired. Did they not think of this? I wish they had an option to have the old color scheme again. Or something more suitable for night time use. I like my iOS devices a lot at night so I'm using low lighting conditions and the ubber brightness is a bit much. So you say, well then turn down your brightness. Duh, already thought of that. 

The next thing I'm so not liking is the iCloud and music. If my device is in wifi it will play all songs I have ever purchased. Some songs I dobt like to hear all the time so may not be downloaded on my device. I want the option to NOT include iCloud purchases. The option iOS has doesn't work. Still plays all content it just no longer shows the song title in the music list. 

However there has been a lot of improvements over the years. I didn't think I would want to go the iPhone route if I ever leave the phone I so love. But as a family that really has been using iOS devices consistently for ages it just might be the way we will go. Though that won't be for a long time. In the mean time I will continue using my iOS devices even with this last system update. I hope that Apple takes user input into consideration and keeps improving their products. 

Dancing in the sky

Recently there was a tragedy that struck our nearby community. Two young lives lost, cut short before they really had a chance to begin. I do not know these young ladies but my heart feels for these families. I can not fathom the pain that their hearts will be feeling for a long time to come. Think part of that is the fact in don't even want to think of something hitting closer to home. Not going to go there.

The day this all happened, wimp.com posted this video from this teen. She sings of a song for someone she had lost in her life. For several days now I have been listening to this over and over. Thought I would also share it here just for you.

http://m.wimp.com/teensings/

Publish

On the thoughts about being a published author. What a joke? That really gets me thinking that it could be a possibility to actually have something I have written in a book format. I always felt that I would at least write something that I would eventually print out and bind up myself (Ok probably pay someone to do it) But it would be my book, in a book. Oh, you know what I mean.

Not that my words would really go anywhere, and certainly not out into the world.

Yes, I do realize that I am blogging right now, therefore putting my very own words out into the world. But realistically I do not think that many folks even know this exists. And if you do, well bless you for taking the time to read my drivel .

But in this day and age of technology there are ways of getting the words out there (yes more than one) and possibly make money off of it.

Many authors out there are self publishing digitally. I have heard of folks spending $$ to publish their own works in paper form. But that takes a lot of money to do so and is a large gamble and would it never pay off. Though with self publishing digitally you don't have to have stock lingering around waiting for someone to buy. They get a "fresh" download copy the moment after they purchase it.

I thought this was an awesome idea. Really I could get my work out there.  But then it really dawned on me. I can REALLY GET MY WORK OUT THERE!!!???!!

Then the idea really became scary as all get out! I could open up my self, be vulnerable with the words from my heart only to face rejection.  I don't think my work would be good enough. I said that to a dear friend and her reply was, "You're not going to think anything you write is good enough, just sent it."  Could I be brave enough to do that? I do not know. My thoughts tend to wander all over the page at times. And to focus at length on editing my work. Daunting task - would I just put a big red X through the entire thing and scrap the idea. Or hike up the big girl panties I wear and just take the plunge.  Its either do or get off the pot moment is it not?

Honestly though I know my work is not good enough. Why would anyone want to read something I have written when there are so many better stories out there?  (Though I do have to say - look at the success of the twlight series and that is some poorly written drivel that made some serious money. It was so bad that I read the entire thing - it was sort of like wanting to know how the wreck was going to end up)

I do not really want to do it for the money. I want to do it because I have always had a desire to be a writer. Which is sad when it's something I want so much but fear it just as bad was say parachuting out of a perfectly good plane.Or snakes, those are scary. Wait - spiders are even creepier.  Suppose I just lack confidence - something I never had very much of.

I'm done now - hitting the publish button. (At least on this blog entry - for now)

Mishelle

Diabetes suck it

I'm having a flipping flooping high day. Take some insulin that say, don't eat sweets. Well have had nothing but unsweetened tea and the sugars keep on climbing even with insulin on board. If life was so easy, ugh. It's not! Most of the time just deal and move on. But when you feel like this and it's so beyond control it really can be a struggle.

My Book - but do not really want to call it that

Many years ago I started to write a book. Though I do not know, it just does not quite sound right to call it a book. Though it is a collection of words - to convey thoughts and emotions. Would you define it as a book?

No one has had a chance to read this collection of words. One friend was given a copy ages ago, though probably been long since forgotten by both of us. It was only until the last few days did I remember that I had shared my personal writing with a friend.  The only reason I had remembered was because I was in a discussion with someone else about my thoughts on writing. She shared with me that she would like to read what I have written. My own insecurities about my ability to convey the written word has hindered me in being able to share my work. I have not taken the time to deeply go through and revise my work. As you have seen here on my blog, my words are just rushed out there. Yes, I am awful about editing my work.  One reason is I'm just not good at it. If I get to thinking about it too much then I just hit the bit red cancel button and my words just magically disappear. So many pieces of my work have vanished that way. 

The second reason is probably the most likely, is my attention to detail is extremely limited, let alone my attention span what so ever. To focus on this blog entry, and not go searching facebook, or cnn, or usa today's web page - what is the weather out side?  Right now it is 73 degrees with 44% humidity and a 40% chance of precipitation. Having some music running so I can just zone out and get words flowing through my fingers does help.  When I really get in the writing zone, I do not even look at my computer screen. (I never look at my keyboard when I type, learned early on I had to be a touch typist. I will not say how long ago that was, but let me just say most kids of my generation did not grow up with a computer.) 

Some how I just need to figure out a way to get my words out there, or at least complete it enough to call it a book. That has always been a dream of mine since I was at least 9 years old. I do think that it is about time I do something about that. 

Laundry can wait!  

Mishelle

(P.S. Think I spent more than ten minutes on this entry. I am going to try to do my writing online but there might be days that ten minutes will just be for me. Need to keep you awake at least a little bit - even though most often my words are good to put folks to sleep)

Excercise in futility

The writing bug has bitten me again. It sure is an itchy little bugger. The problem is, the only thing it does is give me an itch to want to write. Sure doesn't help me in figuring out just what I want to say or what on earth to write about.

For so long this has been a problem I have had. Then I worry that my writing style is so awful who wants to read it. Should I even care what others think? No not really but there is still that part of me that does. So what do I do? Not a thing!!

 Any book you read about writing, or if you hear from an author the one thing that is always the same piece of advice is to just write. So today's exercises in futility is to write. I think I am going to give something a shot.  Back in high school my English teacher would set aside the first ten minutes of class to just write about the topic of the day. Sometimes it was just random ideas he came up with, current event topics, or free for all.  Sometimes the hardest days were when they were free for all. When you have limitless possibilities where do you start?  That's my point exactly. I think that if I can carve out ten minutes or so a day to my writing it would only be helpful. A time for reflection or pure bologna. Either way - it has to be better than what I have been doing. Time to poo or get off the pot so to speak. 

Sorry for the potty talk, tried to keep things clean.

Mishelle

Summer

There is one season of the year that I hate, and that is summer! Yes I realize that hate is a very strong word, and should not be just thrown about. I would tell my kiddo that its almost a bad word, that you can strongly dislike something, really dislike but hate has power behind it when used.  Though when it comes to summer, I HATE it. 

As a kid I looked forward to summer to be out of school.  Then there is the fact that my birthday is in the summer. But those two brownie points are just melted ice cream sizzling on the pavement. Not enough to salvage any favor towards this dreaded annual season. Already in may we are reaching the 80 degree mark. Mother Nature do you really have to crank the up the heat so high. You are more than welcome to do so gradually, over the course of the summer months then top out at 80 for a day at the end of July. Certainly that would be much more favorable, but no, you are never open to my suggestions. I am ready to slap the next person that states, oh how much they can't wait for us more heat and that they love summer. (Please use a mocking tone when you read that last line, for that was the inflection I want to convey. ) 

What does summer mean?  For me it is two to three months of living in hell. The heat makes a me feel so sickly.  Basic human function just about next to impossible. There isn't enough fluids I can consume in a day to keep fully hydrated, so I'm always fighting a higher than normal level of dehydration. All the symptoms of dehydration plague me. Then lets throw in the fact that I am a type one diabetic. Even a small slight dehydration level causes blood sugars to rise. Probably because of the concentrated blood? Is that even possible? I don't know. But what I do know is that my insulin becomes just about worthless at maintaining anything that resembles a decent blood sugar level. No matter how much I closely monitor it. High blood sugar levels make you feel sickly, and guess what it also does, it dehydrates you faster than just the heat. Then to try to maintain fluid levels my body will retain what water it can, and it stores it in my arms, hands, legs and feet. Think of skin balloons swelling so much that movement is painful, and you wonder if you are part love child to the Michelin man. 

 Wow, are you starting to paint a mental picture about how awful summer is for me? Now let's throw in the fact that I am already dealing with all this stuff, my body's natural cooling system is damaged. That damage has occurred from the 28 years of diabetes and the toll this disease I has taken on my body. So summer is equated to misery. It can't be avoided, only endured to the best of ones ability. Come on, winter, bah, that's no biggy. Crank up the heater, add more clothing layers to your body. You can always have ways to get warm. And on really bad cold days, you can opt not to go out.  But the heat of summer invades its way into everything. Even into my home, outside, my car. Even into the night making delicate sleep, that us already a challenge to achieve, under regular circumstances difficult to down right impossible.

No I will ever be a fan of summer. Even if that means there is no school ( for kiddo now) and that my birthday is coming. I don't need to celebrate my birthday anymore, that's just making me older, but I can still do with presents. I'm ok with that. But summer, if you never arrived, you would never be missed by me. Not at all. I would prefer to move from a really long spring, into a long fall, and then right into winter and around again. Just yank out that unpleasant season right out of the loop would certainly be fine by me. 

So be fore warned, if you are the next person I run into that says how much they love summer, and the heat, you just might be slapped. At least a verbal lashing about why I hate summer.

Unbound

We live unbound. [MOBILE VIDEO]
The words in this video is so awesome, take a moment and listen to them. We can do just about anything we ever set our minds to doing. What limits us is our own fears.

Granted I do not ever want to climb a large mountain. Setting a fear of heights aside, I have no interest in it at all. But on the same token, I want to write a book. That is a climb, a feat I have yet to accomplish. Why is that? Largely because of my own fears. Really, who would ever want to read what words I have to say? A royal waste of time. So I don't do it. My fear is that great that it keeps me from doing something I have wanted to do my whole life. Now isn't that pretty silly? I need to live unbound, set aside those fears and reach above and beyond them. In some way this silly randomized blog is me trying to put those fears to rest. Not so successful but I am trying little by little.

Anyhow the words in this video is touching and some of the visualization is stunning. Enjoy.

Mishelle

Insomnia

Just having one of those nights again where sleep is totally eluding me. I dread this for I know what it is going to do for the rest of the day. Randomly waking up after two hours of sleep is not restful. Wah, maybe I should give up and find something to do. Problem with that idea is
the fact I am too tired to want to do anything. Duh!

Aren't you glad you read this? Just some more randomness to add to my thoughts. But you see that is how the mind works, in the middle of the night. It wonders and jumps from this idea to that thought making it very hard to finally rest.

Light em up

I just used Shazam to discover My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark by Fall Out Boy. http://shz.am/t79579365

I like the fact I can find a song I like on the radio every once and again. This one had a pretty good beat so I'm sharing it with you. Yup you, reading this right now.

Arms Wide Open

I have told a few people of my experience, but not that many. There was a time in my life that I was in my darkest hour. I felt such complete and utter loss. The darkness filled my entire soul and life for a long time. I searched for small rays of light in my life, and the only way I could see anything was to look upward. I realize that sounds so cliche' but its so very true. While I was going through all of this, I needed counsel. Just someone to talk to that could maybe part some of the darkness and shine more light in my life. There was this one person, a minister but he was just a man that God used to speak to me. This man was dealing with loss in his own life, and struggling with his own health knowing that illness was going to put a time limit to his years. (He knew he was dying, but he was still doing what he was called to do)

This one afternoon during the first part of a new year. I believe it was either the end of January or the beginning of February I had gone to his office. We spoke for awhile about the struggles I was dealing with, and the loss I was feeling so painfully deep in my heart. What was talked about I can't remember. We were there for a couple of hours, but there were two things that has held a long lasting impression on my life.

The first was:

He shared a parable that jesus spoke off. The birds of winter do not reap or sow through out the year. Though God always provides for them, and that we are more important to Him than those birds are. Matthew 6:26
Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?

This was a good story, and it made me think.

WHen we were done talking this man asked if he could pray with me. Praying out loud has always made me feel uncomfortable. I don't ever have flowery words to speak. I'm more of a straight shooter, and if I don't quite get my point across, I will try again. I know my words are good enough, but sharing them with others in prayer is not something I do. I'm more of a pray in the closet type person. He knelt in front of me and clasped my hands. His prayer, I can not remember the words he spoke. I heard some of them, but I don't remember what they were. I just remember the tears that started flowing so freely from my eyes. My heart was so broken and hurting. As I was sitting in a chair, backed into a corner, it felt so metaphoric. My life at the moment was backed into a cold corner. That was when it happened. I could suddenly feel warmth wrapped around me. Before there was a chill in that corner the chair was in, but then I was warm. I felt arms wrapped around me as if GOd was standing behind me, leaning over to hug me. Even now the thought of it brings "chills."

Several hours later, I was feeling that overwhelming emotion of loneliness. I stopped at a fast food place, and was eating my meal alone, wishing that someone was there with me. When out the window I see a baren bush, a bunch of twigs that suddenly was moving. When I look a bit closer I see hundreds of small birds, sparrows I believe. So many of them all over this bush, fluttering about from branch to branch. Then I knew, He was telling me to remember I am never alone.

Biblical words for a new believer

I have this pocket New Testament in King James Version that was given to my father by his uncle and aunt Cleo. I don't know when my father got this bible, for there was no date written in it.

In the front cover of this bible it directed him to turn to a particular page and then she had underlined a verse passage. This bible is falling a part and is so brittle. So what I did was wrote down the pages she referred to along with the verses. Then I used my bible reader ( from OliveTree) to copy all the verses. The parts in parenthesis is notations she wrote in the margins of the pages she referred to. She also used the letter C for the word see, and I just thought I would keep it the same.


C page 351
Romans 3:23
For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
C page 356

Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
C page 437

Ephesians 2:8
For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves:it is the gift of God:
C page 185

Luke 18:13
....... God be merciful to me a sinner.
(Sinners pray a prayer like this)
C page 214

John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
C page 360

Romans 8:38-39
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
C page 412

2 Corinthians 6:2
(For he saith, I have heard thee in a time accepted, and in the day of salvation have I succoured thee:behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.)
C page 288

Acts 8:35-39
Then Philip opened his mouth, and began at the same scripture, and preached unto him Jesus. And as they went on their way, they came unto a certain water:and the eunuch said, See, here is water; what doth hinder me to be baptized? And Philip said, If thou believest with all thine heart, thou mayest. And he answered and said, I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. And he commanded the chariot to stand still:and they went down both into the water, both Philip and the eunuch; and he baptized him. And when they were come up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord caught away Philip, that the eunuch saw him no more:and he went on his way rejoicing.
(Accepting Christ is being saved)

Feel the love

I just used Shazam to discover Feel The Love by Rudimental Feat. John Newman. http://shz.am/t61972505

Every since this was featured on wimp I have been listening to this song over and over. Love the live session more but you can't buy it. I need more music in my day! Just fuels my soul.

Ultimate useless

Watch "The Ultimate Useless Machine" on YouTube

Need this machine, I would find one use for it.

No real reason

Just had this feeling to journal. Sometimes it's a whim that I do manage to put something up. Other times I have a purpose to write. To work out some sort of issue or idea. I don't know if I have anything right now. I guess I really don't. Sometimes getting started brings forth an idea. Nope not this time.